Exploring why you do what you do…

Hi, it’s a pretty random post but perhaps also one stemming from revelation. It is Week 3 of trainee-ship, meaning there are seven more weeks to go. Seven more weeks before I really get the hang of my ‘job’, and learn the ropes of how to do things ‘correctly’ and ‘nicely’.

Let’s unpack the sentence above…

‘job’, actually my choice of work is not just a job, at least not to me. At least for a long time since a few years back, I begin to realise that choosing this particular pathway means that I will not see it as just an income earning job. It is something bigger, and I still believe in it even if people tell me otherwise.

‘correctly’, three weeks into trainee-ship… I realised there is no correct way, there is the right way. Right refers to maximising good choices and good outcomes, while minimising the bad ones. Correct is too restrictive, too stifling, because when you deal with individuals there is just no single formula aka the correct way.

‘nicely’, still trying to figure this out. Again from observation, how ‘nice’ is being executed differs for everyone. Yet, the common thing is they just seem so natural, so reasonable and so effective. I know that with experience, the nice parts will surface more naturally, but I also hope it will be something I have in me too.

Anyways, so I was talking to a few seniors. Then I read something, and come to realised that… No matter what baggage a person has, there is always that ‘right thing’ to do.

That choice to be focus in the present, maximise and immerse yourself in the moment, and just make the most of it. It applies to working on a difficult head-cracking project, learning and focusing in the classroom, executing and delivering lessons, enjoying the company of strangers or people you know… Just being in the moment, it may be the best way to seek respite. Call it escaping reality or anything you want, at least there is an avenue to give yourself a chance to, begin again, for that short period.

Suddenly thinking about this, I think I may have found a possible response to “why I do what I do”.

PS: I am beginning to start my sentences with Capital letters again…

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Time and communication

2016 has started on quite an uneasy mood? i can’t really pinpoint what’s wrong, maybe it’s school work piling up, maybe it’s anxiety about where i am going next, or maybe it is still doubt about whether i can perform on my job, or maybe it’s annoyance at why are people “acting up”

perhaps for the start of 2016 some mood and thoughts are quite unsettling.. why do i feel the way i do, why do i not understand people’s emotions, or why am i unhappy about people’s choices/way of expression.

and as usual, i don’t think these negative emotions are made known to people around me. i am coming to terms that i need to digest things on my own first, and if i really need help i will go to people for help. sometimes this is also the reason why i write letters. sometimes this is why people think i have no emotions~

so coming back to time and communication… it started with an unhappy sentiment that i held towards my parents. personally i really dislike loud noises or just conflict in general (i am the dove in DOPE test, this one i strongly believe in, don’t ask why.), and inevitably in a home you get all sorts of interactions (happy moments and conflicts too). recently it’s just a general vibe that everyone is getting impatient towards each other and my response is to ignore everyone. to the point that i am keeping to myself or just barking at others when they break that moment of solitude… of course it proves to be unhealthy.

anyways yesterday on a chanced encounter i asked the usual “so what happened to … that you mentioned”although i have no idea why i asked, it’s just a gut feeling that maybe i need to show that i care, and i am glad i did. my parents shared things they encountered from work, and basically it is just them sharing what happened at work or what troubled them. it was nothing like i need your advice, it was simply sharing and through the sharing i learnt how they deal with things too~

at the end of our conversation, the mood seems to lighten up… all those feelings of impatient and annoyance since the beginning of 2016 disappeared. thinking back, everything do happen for a reason… had i known that they were feeling troubled, i would be more forgiving. and i am still trying to work on this –> to let it go when someone is exuding horrible attitude. but i guess i am just human and it’s okay to have negative sentiments~

then when i think back about communication… how do we get someone to share with us? personally i wouldn’t unless i really need to, and i do think the kind of person you are affects the kind of approaches you deal with people. i usually think my friends/people around me will tell me things if they want to, if not no point asking right…

to pen this down is really quite cathartic, at least i found a reason for feeling horrible or annoyed.. and while there are still worries or things that occupies me, i am slowly coming to terms that the complexities of emotions make us human. but, how we make sense of these complexities, how we handle/deal with them, make us the kind of person we are.

新春快乐~

PS: nts,  废话,领悟到但是行动起来还是有点挑战的吧~

随笔-2016

2016年第一篇文章。

其实能遇到一个接受你任何面貌的人是件幸运的事,在这份幸运的背后更多是不辜负。。所以有了好多“但是” 对吧?这只是最近的感慨~

其次,毕业半年后的成长更加明显了。。。少了学生时代的纯粹、直接,多了适应与摸索的不安。

改变是必然的,愿我们在道路上依然坚持前进,成为比以往更优秀的自己。加油 🙂

2015 is ending~~

Looking back at my blog, i always seemed to blog about serious, “cheem” stuff… that is quite unlike how i behave but i do think about things… nevertheless 2015 is coming to an end, and i think this time i want to blog about something light hearted.

i. Shocking thing of 2015: 孙俪 was once a contestant of Star Search!?
recently there’s a new popular Chinese drama 芈月传, it is a show by the same director and lead actress of 甄嬛传. so the lead actress is 孙俪, someone who is really superb at acting and a very respectable actress in China too. so the shocking thing was, she used to be a contestant of Singapore’s Star Search… fortunately she did not stay, i mean maybe she wouldn’t be as successful as she’s now~

ii. Resolution for 2016
quite an embarrass confession that i cannot keep my nails :/ so my simple resolution is to quite the habit of peeling my nails and just let them keep~

Merry Christmas~

bottomline…底线

Okays, it’s this time of the year again where WordPress has this snowing feature for its pages ^^ the holiday season is coming and um… yea there is nothing much to say anyways… maybe except for the fact that i have been feeling really lazy and sluggish, and not really doing any work :/

nevertheless, if i were to look back at this year i can only say that time really flies, and it feels quite surreal about what the working world has to offer in time to come? anyways so i came across something today and i just wanted to share, it has got to do with one’s bottomline (is this the correct word?) in Chinese it is call 底线, something like the one guiding principle or one measure that you will never betray or cross no matter the circumstances.

coming back to this, my bottomline is i hope and want to always share the fact about situations and maybe even conflicting position of interests… saying how you really feel. it may be unpleasant, it may bring outcomes that are not exactly satisfying, but to me if things does not turn for the better, at least i can live with it; and perhaps then it’s really not meant to be. sometimes it is also an indication of being stubborn, but really, why not be kinder to yourself (make yourself feel better)… and for people who are worth it and for people who matter to you, at least you didn’t try to cover it up.

okay i am digressing a little, but i often think that we choose the position we want to be in, and the world will reciprocate depending on your choice. 用什么样的眼光去看世界你就拥有什么样的世界;你把世界想复杂了它就是复杂的,你不接受的复杂其实它就不属于你。

随笔

最近遇到的任何事让我又想起了几年前让我得到启发的一句话:用什么样的眼光去看世界就会拥有什么样的世界。

所以有时候遇到一些人为了琐碎的小事而不耐烦或者操心时,我都会觉得很无耐。既然是这么小的一件事,为什么要转牛角尖?直接把感受真诚地说出来就好,不需要拐弯抹角;有时候我知道别人想要跟我说一件事但是他们就会绕一大圈,好像得先“铺路”才可以说。拜托你交谈的对象多半不会把你吃了,而且如果这个人这么凶那么你还是少跟他/她交流吧。

为什不直接一点呢?那些多想的人其实就是他们自己的事,你坦诚相待就可以了。时间会证明:1. 别人其实没有这么敏感; 2. 别人其实不在乎你“铺路”了没,久了他们会遗忘的。

反正我是这么认为的。

Reflection on being excellent and mediocre…

It has been quite some time since i pen down my thoughts proper, and since we are coming to the end of the semester i thought it’s a nice timing to write an entry again.

First things first… i haven’t been doing this for quite some time and the interface for WordPress has changed so much that i don’t know how to navigate around. And when i finally did get into the entries’ page, i realised there were drafts saved from four years ago :O  okay this is quite shocking and honestly…  looking back at them now, it’s no longer an issue whether or not they have been posted~

Anyways yes about being excellent and mediocre… i guess over the past six months or so my attitude towards work have changed a little bit. i used to do work and assignments thinking i want to get certain grade (most of the time i fall short of my goal, maybe cos i aimed too high)… okay that’s in the past and besides the point.  now i just want to feel that when i am doing a piece of work, i am giving my best regardless of the results. i mean this current mindset is actually more healthy (without that mindless grade chasing thing) but then it translates to another problem: working well is subjected to my energy level i.e. how focused and on the ball i am at that moment. (right now it’s really *bleah*, and i am ashamed to admit)~

in the past if i wanted to get those grades or what i will deliberately put in the effort and that intensity of paying attention makes me feel good.. now it’s just i am completing something, and of course i still pay attention to the work, but it just feels less intensed. personally it is unnerving, becasue i’m the kind that always look back and think if it could have been done better. unfortunately, this process is quite tormenting because right now towards the end of the semester, i have no energy to rectify any piece of work which i think could be done better. that, is a disappointment for myself. in Chinese we say 心有余而力不足… like how your heart wants to get something done, but physically/mentally you are just not in that top condition to do so.

the process of reflecting on this scares me a little, just because i know when we enter the schools proper it’s going to be more hectic, more demanding and erm… unexpected? so it’s really dangerous to let things go “autopilot” and be dependent on one’s energy level. what if towards the end i run out of energy!? this is a scary thought for myself…

okay enough of ranting, the bottom line is… my idea of excellence is really feeling that intensity of effort put in by myself, and not fall into the trap of settling for something mediocre (i.e. the it’s ‘just nice’ state)? maybe i am thinking too much, or i am just tired that i really don’t want to think of all these right now.

lastly, speaking of meeting my own expectations i should really get my exercise regime started again… just so that i can get the following done:
i. convinced myself that working hard at exercising compensates for my sluggish state in all other matters
ii. get prepared to eat all i want during the December vacation…