It has been quite some time since i pen down my thoughts proper, and since we are coming to the end of the semester i thought it’s a nice timing to write an entry again.
First things first… i haven’t been doing this for quite some time and the interface for WordPress has changed so much that i don’t know how to navigate around. And when i finally did get into the entries’ page, i realised there were drafts saved from four years ago :O okay this is quite shocking and honestly… looking back at them now, it’s no longer an issue whether or not they have been posted~
Anyways yes about being excellent and mediocre… i guess over the past six months or so my attitude towards work have changed a little bit. i used to do work and assignments thinking i want to get certain grade (most of the time i fall short of my goal, maybe cos i aimed too high)… okay that’s in the past and besides the point. now i just want to feel that when i am doing a piece of work, i am giving my best regardless of the results. i mean this current mindset is actually more healthy (without that mindless grade chasing thing) but then it translates to another problem: working well is subjected to my energy level i.e. how focused and on the ball i am at that moment. (right now it’s really *bleah*, and i am ashamed to admit)~
in the past if i wanted to get those grades or what i will deliberately put in the effort and that intensity of paying attention makes me feel good.. now it’s just i am completing something, and of course i still pay attention to the work, but it just feels less intensed. personally it is unnerving, becasue i’m the kind that always look back and think if it could have been done better. unfortunately, this process is quite tormenting because right now towards the end of the semester, i have no energy to rectify any piece of work which i think could be done better. that, is a disappointment for myself. in Chinese we say 心有余而力不足… like how your heart wants to get something done, but physically/mentally you are just not in that top condition to do so.
the process of reflecting on this scares me a little, just because i know when we enter the schools proper it’s going to be more hectic, more demanding and erm… unexpected? so it’s really dangerous to let things go “autopilot” and be dependent on one’s energy level. what if towards the end i run out of energy!? this is a scary thought for myself…
okay enough of ranting, the bottom line is… my idea of excellence is really feeling that intensity of effort put in by myself, and not fall into the trap of settling for something mediocre (i.e. the it’s ‘just nice’ state)? maybe i am thinking too much, or i am just tired that i really don’t want to think of all these right now.
lastly, speaking of meeting my own expectations i should really get my exercise regime started again… just so that i can get the following done:
i. convinced myself that working hard at exercising compensates for my sluggish state in all other matters
ii. get prepared to eat all i want during the December vacation…