This post is inspired/triggered by something I read on FB, and it would be really blunt or perhaps confusing at some point..

i often wonder what if i am aware that i am not a nice person as i would hope myself to be? i want to be a better person, especially in the gracious department.. maybe i’m being greedy, but when i was younger i always thought i want to be someone whom others can identify and say: oh yes she is a gracious and kind person. and because of this, one is also beautiful (not the looks aspect).. this is a very obnoxious thought and i’m overestimating myself.

nevertheless i still try to be better, but sometimes you inherently know that you are influenced by the ‘bad’ i.e. being practical, staying on guard, then it takes away your faith to open up to people (skepticism and being defensive).. and perhaps it even takes away how you can truly display your kindness and graciousness towards others. by my own definition i hope it will be to “doubt less and believe more”.

i never used to be like this, but as i grow older and being aware of some hard truths about the odds stacked against one, this realization has taken away some of those trusting and innocent (perhaps kind) qualities a younger person would have. maybe it’s a form of defense mechanism?

in simpler terms, as one gets older somehow one becomes more complicated and less trusting.

of course i perfectly understand that our perception of the world and our attitude changes as we get older.. simply because we’re more aware and more informed. just sometimes, i cannot help but think what if we can be granted the choice to remain trusting and retain that innocence, even with the knowledge that the world out there can be full of deceit? if one had chosen to retain those child-like traits are we not protecting ourselves by being more trusting?

personally if given the choice i would want to retain those qualities, they might seem as useless tools in the real world setting (cos maybe people will take advantage of you or something…) because these are inherently good qualities right?

i actually do believe in karma, and that if a trusting person is being shortchanged or disadvantaged, somehow time will make up for this loss. while i may believe in this, i don’t find myself practicing it very often and have allowed skepticism to get the better of me recently and even i don’t feel at ease with myself (i just have this hunch about this, and it’s usually accurate).

while i haven’t figured out the exact answer to this unclear question i have inside me, i do realize that i need to be more trusting and live as though i haven’t lost those child-like qualities.. i mean it is rare in this ‘cruel and practical’ world, but because it is rare, it has also become something precious.

to end off, perhaps being aware is a first step to being better; but even if it isn’t so i still hope i can be at ease with myself.. it is true that one’s life is a learning journey and we never stop learning. may each day be a day that makes us better and in our own right, beautiful.

the thing i read that triggered this post is:
“When we make choices in life, we have to keep reminding ourselves the very reason behind it. You might be glad you had chosen the path you chose, or you might regret it – you want to tear your hair apart, cry your heart out and wish that you can turn back time. The truth is, we can never be ready for anything, but if you don’t take that leap of faith, you can never really be, something. 

Follow your heart, not your checklist. Sharp dressing and good looks don’t solve arguments – beauty is in someone who understands and evolves with you.”

wise words, and right now i’m skeptical towards this intelligent saying and kept questioning why had i not think like this and even how much does this person practice what she preaches? but i guess there are lots of things out there to learn and for now i’ll attempt to credit that person’s noble-mind..

ps: maybe one day when i read back on this piece of ramble, i will laugh at myself but for now i am thankful for being able to express it =)


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