Nothing in particular, perhaps just want to make a note on something: Fandom. maybe a bit overdue~
my close friends would know i was really involved in fandom, more specifically a fan of Jeanette Aw. but the past year i found myself growing out of it.
but having learnt and be exposed to new things gave me a new perspective, and inside me i know i can no longer be part of fandom. of course if you ask me, i will still say “i like the actress Jeanette Aw, and i think she is a great person”. but my capacity to show my support, i will say is no longer a capacity of a fan.
i don’t know if this exists but personally i think you can support a person without being that person’s fan? i.e. my friend support my decision but he/she is not my fan (not the best example to use, but my point is support can be shown in various ways) sometimes i still buy magazines featuring JA on the cover and occasionally i re-watch her good dramas when i have time.
frankly speaking, i guess each and everyone have their own definition of support and i acknowledge that.. but at different stages we think differently.
of course people who are still a fan would probably be “mortified” by this idea and it’s likely that they just don’t get it. not saying that they are wrong, but because they are still a fan, they would naturally see that their idol is an important person in their lives, but i don’t.
truth be told i don’t think an idol is directly involved in my life as compared to let’s say my family and friends who are influencing me on a daily basis. of course there are positive things to learn from an idol, but i guess learning from a person is different from idolizing a person. there is a distinction between these two, and i would say growing up, this point has been made clearer to me. for that matter i credit idols who are doing a great job being role models and really contributing base on their capacity as public figures. (Yes JA is really a role model, i still think of her that way)
however, i no longer care if i can see JA in person or hope that she knows me. i mean it’s really a nice feeling that someone famous knows about a nobody like me, but at the end of the day how much does it impact me and even her? so by this definition i no longer operate as a fan and life goes on and i’ve come to acknowledge that fandom does not mean that it is permanent. to me it is my passing phase.
a side note and “confession” i tried to use time as an excuse. but really a friend once said, if it mattered you would make time for it. i used to disagree, but thinking back, that friend is right. personal revelation, it is then true that it doesn’t matter to me anymore.
not to discredit the notion of being a fan, but having once been part of Jeanius, i’ve made great friends some of whom i still keep in touch with and the interactions (albeit few) also made me learn. summing up, the time involved in fandom has passed for me, and for people who are still in it i would say to each his own and do enjoy it when you are still involved in it.
well even though i’ve grown out of it and it doesn’t matter to me anymore, i guess i can still be proud to say i have been there, done that, and the experience is not an awful one. thinking back on how enthusiastic everyone was, it’s another side of team work and team spirit that appeared to be “blindly following” to others. i would not say i am proud of being part of fandom (considering the hours spent on it, when i look back now it seemed illogical) but i don’t think i regret that i was once part of it. a little paradoxical maybe..
at least i can say that i have seen a different side of things; since the journey isn’t one that i am familiar with (not part of my usual social circle/socialized network),
“the essence of all things is how and what we make of it”; looking back at fandom, it is not entirely bad but because i know it’s not the best for me to dwell on, and i don’t care about being involved anymore.
while my journey hasn’t been short, maybe to ardent fans out there it isn’t exactly long either.. lasting about 2years+ (almost 3 years?) but having said all that, numbers don’t matter because i’ve put it on the table and though it might sound blunt and harsh, i still hope i can be understood =)
ps: i still believe once a jeanius always a jeanius. cos’ right now, to me it can be more than just a fanclub.. i guess keeping in touch with friends i made there inevitably does not disconnect me with jeanius, but i will say i am not a fan.