exploded. inspiration. mediocre. what?

this might very well be the entry i personally like?

I have so much on my mind right now, i don’t know where to begin.. don’t know how to let it all out.. yet part of me wants to keep it to myself, but i know i’ll be stressed out. and so here goes, i will just type whatever i want to (and attempt to organize them).. so i’ll list what i did in order..

first. i went for a movie today, IN THE CINEMA and alone. my emphasis on watching a movie in the cinema because although i have been watching movies, they have been for the sake of studying as compared to how one would catch a movie to unwind.


took a photo of the EMPTY cinema with my phone.. “i bought the cinema”, lovely.

anyways it has been so long since i did that and i remember how i really loved going to the cinema alone and be absorbed into my own thoughts and interpretation of the movies. before i forget, the movie i watched is Premium Rush. i think Joseph Gordon-Levitt is the next big actor, and i truly think he is not given enough chance to shine in Batman.. not that he needs Batman to make his mark (personal opinion)

after introspection, i realized i can apply what i’ve learnt and as much as i would say Premium Rush is an awesome movie… it’s just quite standard in my opinion and does not disappoint, but i don’t think it’s like inspiration of have profound hidden messages within the movie. the old me would be greatly inspired by such a feel-good movie, but right now my way of watching movies is different.

i seek the profound, hidden, and so called “noble” messages in the movies; being able to identify them through cinematography and story makes me feel really exclusive, like i am different from other audience. the past me would just pay attention to the story, but the me now appreciates the director more 😉

second. my childhood friend and neighbor, Osker, had a mini art exhibit at our estate’s clubhouse. and after seeing his works, i am impressed and envious. i talked to him and only found out that he has been doing art since the age of four! surprise surprise. we were really close as children cycling almost four hours everyday and just hanging out after school, yet i only found out about it probably nine years later.. that aside he is currently pursuing a diploma in art and i am just happy for him to pursue his interests.

before i left the exhibition, i asked him: what prompt you to do this?
his reply left me thinking, really and somehow left me feeling mediocre too..
he said: i decided to just do it. if not now, when?

i’ve always said i want to draw and how i am not good at it, i want to learn to be decent.
yet, i am always wondering when can i allow myself to have all that creativity explode and just create art (visual, music etc…)

i have a myriad of interests but i don’t think i have pursued them to the extent that i am happy with myself now. i am satisfied, but not necessarily happy, i’ve always thought that only if we’re hungry for something then we’re not wasting our life just settling for the basic. so perhaps i am disappointed at myself for not being hungry enough; and if i am hungry, i am disappointed for not having that guts to make them happen and allowing myself to be delayed by the excuse “no time for other things”…

third. on a lighter note i finally get to read a non-academic related text: The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time. i cannot believe how late i was when i started reading this book. always see it in the bookstores and always had the perception we had one at home.. until one day i went to the store and decided: i’ll just buy it since i cannot find it at home, rather have an extra copy anyway.really enjoyed the book and the author is real smart 😉

i didn’t know what to type but somehow i managed to get what i want to express out of my system.. so that’s good.. and really i am just naming this entry with snippets of words used in this whole post.

i guess sometimes i feel lost that i can only ask myself what do you really want to do? even though i might not find that answer anytime soon, i choose to continue with this satisfied but not happy state with a positive attitude.. “to try things with gladness and my best”..

in the end, this post should really be titled: What?

PS: because it’s not easy to find what you truly want or easy to be 100% as ease with things you’re doing, but you can always give them a shot =)


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