exploded. inspiration. mediocre. what?

this might very well be the entry i personally like?

I have so much on my mind right now, i don’t know where to begin.. don’t know how to let it all out.. yet part of me wants to keep it to myself, but i know i’ll be stressed out. and so here goes, i will just type whatever i want to (and attempt to organize them).. so i’ll list what i did in order..

first. i went for a movie today, IN THE CINEMA and alone. my emphasis on watching a movie in the cinema because although i have been watching movies, they have been for the sake of studying as compared to how one would catch a movie to unwind.

 

took a photo of the EMPTY cinema with my phone.. “i bought the cinema”, lovely.

anyways it has been so long since i did that and i remember how i really loved going to the cinema alone and be absorbed into my own thoughts and interpretation of the movies. before i forget, the movie i watched is Premium Rush. i think Joseph Gordon-Levitt is the next big actor, and i truly think he is not given enough chance to shine in Batman.. not that he needs Batman to make his mark (personal opinion)

after introspection, i realized i can apply what i’ve learnt and as much as i would say Premium Rush is an awesome movie… it’s just quite standard in my opinion and does not disappoint, but i don’t think it’s like inspiration of have profound hidden messages within the movie. the old me would be greatly inspired by such a feel-good movie, but right now my way of watching movies is different.

i seek the profound, hidden, and so called “noble” messages in the movies; being able to identify them through cinematography and story makes me feel really exclusive, like i am different from other audience. the past me would just pay attention to the story, but the me now appreciates the director more 😉

second. my childhood friend and neighbor, Osker, had a mini art exhibit at our estate’s clubhouse. and after seeing his works, i am impressed and envious. i talked to him and only found out that he has been doing art since the age of four! surprise surprise. we were really close as children cycling almost four hours everyday and just hanging out after school, yet i only found out about it probably nine years later.. that aside he is currently pursuing a diploma in art and i am just happy for him to pursue his interests.

before i left the exhibition, i asked him: what prompt you to do this?
his reply left me thinking, really and somehow left me feeling mediocre too..
he said: i decided to just do it. if not now, when?

i’ve always said i want to draw and how i am not good at it, i want to learn to be decent.
yet, i am always wondering when can i allow myself to have all that creativity explode and just create art (visual, music etc…)

i have a myriad of interests but i don’t think i have pursued them to the extent that i am happy with myself now. i am satisfied, but not necessarily happy, i’ve always thought that only if we’re hungry for something then we’re not wasting our life just settling for the basic. so perhaps i am disappointed at myself for not being hungry enough; and if i am hungry, i am disappointed for not having that guts to make them happen and allowing myself to be delayed by the excuse “no time for other things”…

third. on a lighter note i finally get to read a non-academic related text: The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time. i cannot believe how late i was when i started reading this book. always see it in the bookstores and always had the perception we had one at home.. until one day i went to the store and decided: i’ll just buy it since i cannot find it at home, rather have an extra copy anyway.really enjoyed the book and the author is real smart 😉

i didn’t know what to type but somehow i managed to get what i want to express out of my system.. so that’s good.. and really i am just naming this entry with snippets of words used in this whole post.

i guess sometimes i feel lost that i can only ask myself what do you really want to do? even though i might not find that answer anytime soon, i choose to continue with this satisfied but not happy state with a positive attitude.. “to try things with gladness and my best”..

in the end, this post should really be titled: What?

PS: because it’s not easy to find what you truly want or easy to be 100% as ease with things you’re doing, but you can always give them a shot =)

OMG

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG.

What am i doing blogging here and not continuing with my essay!! truth be told this essay is quite worrying, i am not sure about the direction that i am taking it to, and i am unhappy to hand in what i have now. maybe i should promise myself corona as reward? hmm i am not alcoholic, but it’s times like this that you really need a drink? no? oh wells..

that aside, i am spending my recess week rather okay.. doing some reading, and of course hoping that i am keeping up with work. but maybe this post is for what i want to say..

I don’t think i can be defined, because i myself do not know who i really am.. it’s just that i feel when i learn new things they come to shape part of me, so if i intend to continue learning, i will not have a fix personality right? of course certain principles and beliefs still hold, but they don’t necessary define a person.

if there’s one thing i know for sure, that’ll be: a person is too complex.

break.brake

recess week and it’s time for a break, or is it? lots of things to do this recess week, and i guess pressing the brakes is not as easy as one has hoped to be.

nevertheless, i am glad that i have a week of not going to school.. so there is less stress from that school setting or even space. that said, a few trips back might be necessary, but i am still staying optimism about how it’s better than going to school everyday…

and at this point, dear me, i have no idea what i am ranting about except that i want to say i always get the most out of talking/chatting with others.. it serves as a reminder for myself as much as it serves the purpose of expressing myself to others..

that said i just want to get this thing off my chest: “why must we fix an age to something? or a number to everything we do? if we are enjoying ourselves at this moment, we would experienced happiness.” optimistic outlook, and i guess that’w how everyone should be influenced by.

lastly, although most times we want to be optimistic, one musn’t take for granted that it can always happen.. for it’s only natural to feel tied down and feel tired from something that is not as close to our heart but simply being a necessity. but i guess attempting to maintain optimism is already a feat at that point?

and of course, there is always room to step on the brakes and take a break; perhaps we just need to choose the extent of doing it.

PS: PUN INTENDED =P

打字罢了

原本知道的事情会因为一时的迷茫而忘记了,就像一直相信写作会让人心情舒畅的这件事 也可以被遗忘。

写什么好呢?写什么都可以,只要写的也是想的。不用顾虑写的东西对别人没意义;为自己写了就好了,为自己开心就满足了。

“请我们以一颗宽容的心去了解这个世界。抛弃主观、抛弃成见、再来抛弃既有可能回浮现的自我。”

世界如此的大,现在的我们所做的是否就是一切呢?但是如果一直往远处想,那么现在我们什么都做不了 因为只顾着担心。。年轻的我们若现在觉得累 会担心,要除去的可能就只有恐惧。因为恐惧会把一起动力夺走,开始的旅程只有结束的那一刻才会踏实。过程很重要,但是过程中快乐更重要。

再来,施比受更有福 的确如此,
可是请切记 施与受要平衡。两者从来都不应该存在任何一边的倾斜。

现在开始抛弃对自己的主观,抛弃恐惧,一步一步来吧。

每一天

请问每一天该怎么过?

充实、快乐、无忧。
你身边的人怎么过?你又是怎么过的呢?每个人都有自己的方式,但是从来不会有正确的模式。

你追求什么决定你过的方式,但是请切记 不要对不起自己。坚持做个让人可以信赖的人,至少让自己不会讨厌自己。
我似乎找到要怎么过了,但是我愿意因为环境做出一点妥协。。

“原来,当你明白成就无法造就你,溃败无法击垮你,平淡无法淹没你时, 你就站在了成功的最高处.”

PS: 有时除了自己,最了解你的人是你认为不了解你的人。

由始至终。。

你因为一时的冲动、误念、不思考的东西 会伤害。
你因为没有正确衡量 会让自己悔过。
你因为种种的突然 会不知所措。

但是,由始至终你如果没有坚持认识自己 那么你就迷失了。你也许会体验一时的解放,但是时间给你带来的很可能是长久的遗憾。

在还没有找到答案之前,成熟的人不会放弃而幼稚的人总是畏惧;这时候的我因为幼稚 已经投入了自己的陷阱。没有什么理由可以带过,可以原谅。除了时间没什么能够让我们遗忘、除了时间没什么可以解开心结。

经一事长一智。
很简单的道理。但是迷失自己的人总是看不到的。因为找不到方向所以什么都是不可能的,一旦找到了也许我们就解脱了。

现在的我要像一张白纸,重新的开始。即使别人眼中不可以我也要坚强的原谅自己,这样的我才可以随着时间找到饶恕、得到成长、享受成功。
冥冥中我们人生的安排都是巧合,就像看到可以让自己学习安慰的东西也是:

“年轻的我们心脏都是比较小的。一点苦难放进去,都显得大。长大了的人,心脏就变大了。即使更大的悲伤装进去,也照样可以冷漠的离开,平静的遗忘。所以忍耐吧。有天我们的心脏会长得比悲伤大。——寂地”

“人生,方向比努力更重要。人生最大的遗憾,莫过于错误的坚持了不该坚持的,轻易的放弃了不该放弃的。选择一旦错误,越努力,遗憾越大;时间越久,遗憾越深。人生没有绝对的对错,选择的结果能使你快乐,自然是对的;若深陷于痛苦之中,就该是错的。人生不就是图个幸福吗?” 

我由始至终知道自己要做个诚意、诚信的人;现在找回了。我还没有找到自己的方向,在短暂休息的时光里立志找到这个目标。

最后,说一句必须的“对不起”。
我不擅长说话;即使看似外向有时候说出来的可能自己到最后也不晓得是否是真的。但是写下来的文字,给了我坦诚的空间。

相关的人可能看不到,但是我还是希望他们看得到。

PS: 选择用中文,因为它是一个重情感的语文;此时我希望用重情感的文字来表达自己。