so this is it.

I never get drunk, i haven’t allowed myself to get drunk. i like alcohol because sometimes i feel like i need a drink to unwind.  i don’t like alcohol because after that an awful feeling overwhelms my body, like an allergy reaction. turns out, sometimes things are not what we hoped them to be.

whatever the case, i am in angst yet calm, lost but know what to do state.. i never know what i want to express at this point. i guess this is what we call the syndrome when school reopen draws near, very near.

tons of things to prepare, i didn’t have to prepare them the previous year. because to put it bluntly, we were spoon-fed and provided with ready-to-download and print readings. this time round it becomes: go to the shelves and photocopy the relevant pages on your own.

i guess all these preparation work should be done before school starts in my opinion, but the process of having the syllabus updated plays a part too.. because of some delay, i find myself still not 100% prepared with my reading list, at angst that my hostel has become dusty after two weeks of not going back, and basically just scared that school is going to start.

right now this moment, i hope my dream comes true. my very simple dream, not to own a big house or anything. my dream is to have my own work studio. that means it’s my sanctuary, my private space for work-related stuff, it shall have shelves of books towering over me (these shelves will be against the four walls in the room. i shall have a work desk, work chair and sofa-bed set in my studio, well equipped with tools for work, there will also be my beloved piano, and a corner for me to create art pieces (that is i assume i’ve succeeded in learning art next year).

yes i need such a sanctuary to assure myself that work is a happy thing, studying can be happy if you enjoy it. but i really want a space that i can call my own, so my creation and whatever revelations i get from learning and studying happens in this studio. i am in my own heaven. inside here, all stress gone, all unpleasant things are history. there is only focus and only doing what i enjoy and love. reading, music, learning, art, sleep.

one day this will come true, but not now. and for now i guess this is it, i have finished ranting and there are things that i have to get them organized and then proceed on with my life. move on. because school is starting and reality cannot be changed, so we move on.

for now my angst may have subsided but i am still feeling weird and tired. so i guess… this is it.


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