live right. live well.

Things are starting to pick up for the new semester, and I am happy to say that there are no longer time table clashes for me.. translating to not under-load modules this semester and giving my very best. I hope by doing so I will also get my desired results, I mean sometimes people say if you give your best then you have no regrets. Not that I disagree but I think when they talk about not having regrets is when people actually achieve what they have set for themselves, and also giving their best at the same time.

Personally I feel that if I have given my best and I don’t get what I set for myself, I will regret.. or rather self-doubt will develop. So I am hoping for the best and shall maintain this disposition towards school work.

Next up, I have always said how much I have learnt by joining a CCA… and in actual fact I really got a lot from it. Both the good and bad, I won’t deny the times when I just feel like giving up and cursing and ranting to my family. Yet by coming this far I got my fair share of experience.

This time round it’s the same, to join or not to join? I want to live my life well, and live it right, that said meaning I don’t want to have a mundane school life just filled with studying, I want to have activities in school. Yet I don’t want that activity to take up so much of my time that I short change any aspect of my school work and piano (which is an important outlet for me).

What I have considered is really quite all rounding, but one other thing is important to me too: supporting my friends. Therefore the decision doesn’t come easy, but still I have made a choice. I do not know where that courage come from, or whether it is false courage that will fade (I pray that it is not). Yet when I read about inspirational stories and of people who have a lot on their plate, but they could manage. They inspire me.

The greedy thought of: what if I could manage too? I would emerge a winner, I would emerge as a new person who is better with time management and better with studying smart.

I quote what someone said ” be consistently and diligently trying with [your] own ability and making things happen”. What if I can be the one making things happen? I want to live my life right and well, for now I just want optimism to be with me, lots of confidence from anywhere and myself and just telling myself: you will emerge successful.

For now, this is the best I can hope for and of course the need to tell myself, balance.

Mean

I think i am not who i am. how i want to behave is sometimes different from how i really behave.

sometimes i know that i am mean, unintentionally, but sometimes being straightforward is also being mean..

needing something to keep myself to the ground, needing the arts to keep me calm, and make me a better person. i am too far off from the ideal.

Sorry if i have been mean. this is to anyone whom i’ve been mean to, even when it was not meant to be like this and even if you cannot read this. and lastly, pardon my cowardice to express it on my personal platform. Sorry.

Talk about school.

School has started and apart from the resolution to pull my grades, i have a few concerns.. beyond that i am hoping to just take things as they come, as i’ve always tried to.

it seems that sometimes the more we want something, it will just fade away and leave us. talk about the strange law of attraction? but nevertheless my timetable planning has truly surprised me this time.. sudden changes to module and here i found myself needing to drop a module to fit another. fortunately the one that i drop is not a core, but i would be missing learning something new.

instead i will replace it with another non-core that fits my schedule.. the only concern i have now is the availability and whether i can take it… no matter, i hope things will turn out okay. still keeping that positive part of me alive, even if it’s just a tiny bit.

was talking to my sister yesterday, and she gave me a thorough analysis of myself, “you may not have noticed it, but you are a perfectionist.” “for any task you undertake, you will see it through and if it’s not up to your expectations, you will focus on it until you are satisfied.” “the good thing is you have quality work, the bad thing is you cannot multi-task, even though you might seem like doing it.”

reflecting on that, she got me. something that i didn’t even know of myself. i never thought of myself as perfectionist, i just want to do things to the best of my ability, or at least try my best. i never believed in perfection, and yet my approach to work might sometimes veer towards that path.

enough of this, i have some serious thinking to do. just purely school work, or involve in more but risk overlooking the school aspect. and for now, the only thing i can truly be happy is, i am quite happy with most modules i’ve chose (putting slot clashing aside).. lots of film component involved and simply, a new challenge and interest for myself.

i cross my fingers hoping everything will turn out right and good. please i have never done anything against my conscience and i hope i can be blessed for this little hurdle i am facing now.

so this is it.

I never get drunk, i haven’t allowed myself to get drunk. i like alcohol because sometimes i feel like i need a drink to unwind.  i don’t like alcohol because after that an awful feeling overwhelms my body, like an allergy reaction. turns out, sometimes things are not what we hoped them to be.

whatever the case, i am in angst yet calm, lost but know what to do state.. i never know what i want to express at this point. i guess this is what we call the syndrome when school reopen draws near, very near.

tons of things to prepare, i didn’t have to prepare them the previous year. because to put it bluntly, we were spoon-fed and provided with ready-to-download and print readings. this time round it becomes: go to the shelves and photocopy the relevant pages on your own.

i guess all these preparation work should be done before school starts in my opinion, but the process of having the syllabus updated plays a part too.. because of some delay, i find myself still not 100% prepared with my reading list, at angst that my hostel has become dusty after two weeks of not going back, and basically just scared that school is going to start.

right now this moment, i hope my dream comes true. my very simple dream, not to own a big house or anything. my dream is to have my own work studio. that means it’s my sanctuary, my private space for work-related stuff, it shall have shelves of books towering over me (these shelves will be against the four walls in the room. i shall have a work desk, work chair and sofa-bed set in my studio, well equipped with tools for work, there will also be my beloved piano, and a corner for me to create art pieces (that is i assume i’ve succeeded in learning art next year).

yes i need such a sanctuary to assure myself that work is a happy thing, studying can be happy if you enjoy it. but i really want a space that i can call my own, so my creation and whatever revelations i get from learning and studying happens in this studio. i am in my own heaven. inside here, all stress gone, all unpleasant things are history. there is only focus and only doing what i enjoy and love. reading, music, learning, art, sleep.

one day this will come true, but not now. and for now i guess this is it, i have finished ranting and there are things that i have to get them organized and then proceed on with my life. move on. because school is starting and reality cannot be changed, so we move on.

for now my angst may have subsided but i am still feeling weird and tired. so i guess… this is it.

this is like a diary entry!

Just happened to read an online article about seven things not taught in school (but should be).. it was by an author that i previously shrugged off as privileged and thus he could succeed (or something along that line..)

i guess we really cannot be definite about someone or our views on certain things. it is good to have principles and stick to what we believe, but at the same time i am still learning to leave some space for new ideas and possibilities that i’ve overlooked, due to my own stubbornness and even arrogance.

anyways that author has really allowed me to change my opinionated view of him, but for the moment i will not read his book.. for it stilled defers from what i believe in.

moving on, school is starting soon. next week. for the time being i seem to have lots to do, to consider and to prepare for. readings, notes, time management, school life. oh well, let things come naturally and i’ll hopefully do what i have to do and not procrastinate =)

and for so long, i’ve overlooked the people around me. i have friends, but some friends i feel like i’ve let them down, not showing enough concern and not being as close as i feel i should. that should change, it might sound childish to still worry about friendship.. but i personally think one does not do away with these necessary responsibilities (in terms of managing the people in your life) as one ages. it still matters.

this is really a diary entry, a new try but i could get use to it!

PS: my book has arrived ^^

My sense of freedom.

I’ve been doing some thinking lately, maybe a lot and I realised that I probably am thinking too much at times, but I guess it’s better than not exercising the brain?

In any case, i’ve been reading about inspiring stories of people from different parts of the world i.e them doing what they love, and having little consideration for their direct future.. Basically experiencing life with a “live the moment” attitude..

After which, I compared those stories and lives to mine.. at 20 I have a concept of what I am doing, albeit vague. Yet upon reflecting on them, they are inevitably surrounded by concepts of results, prospects, achievement and whether they are realistic..

Of course I understand the value of these things we do, give your best achieve good results and they translate to good prospect and future. But, what if there is more to what we pursue? Things that we might have overlooked. What if we are actually granted that freedom to do what we like; something that might not be monetary rewarding, something that has not direct benefit to us, but allow us to grow, even though it is subtle.

Then I realised, it’s what influence us that shapes our actions and thoughts.. An almost no brainer answer to my seemingly infinite questions. So can we then go beyond that? Accept other forms of influence and pursue things in a different direction, so we truly enjoy what we do and not for the sake of results.

“Only one person is given the number one position, so I don’t know why we only want that?” yes maybe it is priced so it is sought after, but being number one in your own right can be satisfying too, why the need to be obstinate and only settle for the recognised number one; then stress yourself out.

The second one would be our priorities in life that shapes us. To live comfortably without woes, that’s why we need a good job, good pay then live a normal and maybe comfortable life (w/o financial woes).. surely our priorities can be more than that.. I always imagine myself having all these financial goals met, then one day I will ask myself: so what now? I have all these, what do I want in my life?

Isn’t this something to be fearful of and why some people willingly forgo their high paying jobs and settle for something less, more spiritually rewarding.. We may say they can afford to do it, but I think they do it because they allow their expectations for monetary and material goods to be lowered.

I don’t know the point of writing this, but I do know that it helps me to organise my thoughts. I read to know about things beyond what I’ve experienced, to find out what are my interests.

and right now I think… I’m going to constantly seek positive influence, maybe, be that influence myself. It can be small influence, but I can do it while still doing things that I enjoy, just constantly seek this influence in every context. That itself could surprise me and eventually the things that mattered to me are fulfilled, and if they’re not at least I know I am living my life of freedom. Something that is not an obstacle or burden to me.

There isn’t a perfect answer, but if we can do something that we truly enjoy without negative stress or burden to ourselves, be allowed to experience freedom in the pursue of it, that I personally feel is close to a perfect life; and maybe in doing so it itself can be considered an achievement.

PS: without the need to garner recognition from others or be judged. No one is more superior to be allowed to make others feel inferior right?